How do you alter your desire to date and pursue multiple people?

Aug 4, 2022·10 min

When you are clear about your priorities, and those priorities are rooted in peace of mind as your ultimate objective, then you look for the right characteristics in your potential partner.

It boils down to internal clarity. You might be pursuing multiple people because you lack internal clarity as to who you are, what you stand for and what you really want in a partner.

When you are clear about your priorities, and those priorities are rooted in peace of mind as your ultimate objective, then you look for the right characteristics in your potential partner. You do not fall for the next shiny object that crosses your path. You do not get excited about surface-level characteristics you find in that person because one, you have deliberately trained your mind to control that excitement and two, you possess internal clarity about who you are and what matters to you so you are looking for something deeper, something that will last for a really long time.

When you meet someone, you ask yourself - do I see a long-term friend in this person; would I love to joyfully spend hours in the company of this person; will I be able to respect this person for certain traits they possess, do they align with my values, can I learn something from them, do they inspire me, etc. If some of these elements do not exist in your relationship, cute smiles, good looks, six packs or physical chemistry will probably not save your relationship for very long. The initial honeymoon will end and eventually, the decline will begin. It is just a matter of time.

You alter your desire to date and pursue multiple people by bringing clarity within. First, spend a lot of time with yourself so you are friends with yourself. Know yourself well. Know what your values are, what matters to you and what will keep you peaceful. If you live a life where your attention is constantly on the outside with very little or no time to look inward, you need to change that. Immediately. The more you delay, the more time you will lose. With each passing day, you will not get any clearer but you will get older.

Next, before you look for a partner in another person, look for a friend. And when you find a friend in that person, ask - can I add romance to this?

Take the inside to outside approach. 

Find a friend within. 
Find a friend without. 
Add romance to taste.

Friends first. More than friends next.

If you approach dating without clarity, you may continue to meet or even date multiple people, but still not find the right person. The problem is not with those people. The problem is that you lack clarity. Once you possess that clarity about yourself and your preferences, then you should certainly meet multiple people with the objective of carefully evaluating if that person is the right one for you. But start with internal clarity - Find Yourself First.

Are you being a little mechanical and non-emotional if you follow this approach? Yes, you are, and you must be. If you balance being emotional and practical today, you will save yourself from getting hurt tomorrow. If you choose your partner only on impulse and emotion today, practicality will still surface in the future. Ignoring the facts does not make the facts go away. Closing your eyes to the truth does not make the truth go away.  When it surfaces eventually, you may not like that very much. It can get painful and ugly. 

Take care of yourself today, so you do not have to heal yourself tomorrow. You are being a little thoughtful and systematic today so you can choose the one who is worthy of your emotions, rather than wasting them on someone who is not right for you and getting hurt in the process. For this, you will need to be a little practical as well. And if your mind objects to this saying “But that’s not me”, ask yourself - Has this current ‘me’ brought me the right partner? If not, that ‘me’ is now due for an upgrade.

Be thoughtful today, so you can be peaceful tomorrow.

Fast is the past. Slow is the way to go. It always was. You just got distracted along the way. Fix it.